If you want the rainbow, you've gotta deal with the rain.

Dear Cara,
One year ago today, you and I spent the day together.  We hadn’t seen each other in a year until the week before and we had missed each other so much! We ate Chinese and hung out at your house, Doc and Jordan enjoying time with your parents and family, and you and I chatting away as always. You were falling in and out of sleep because of your medicine, and you kept apologizing for it. We both just laughed because it’s what we always did when something like that happened.  We talked for hours, and eventually I had to leave to start packing for my family to fly to Washington, our new home. I gave you a hug, and you told my pregnant belly “I’ll see you when I come visit your Mommy in Washington, Lucy!!”

I remember 4 years before that, the day you told me that you had been diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. I was pregnant with Jordan when you found out, and you, in your true selfless nature, swore all of our friends to secrecy about it for fear that it would cause me stress while pregnant. Jordan was a newborn when you finally told me. I remember that feeling of shock. You were 21 years old, and that was too young for this diagnosis. I was mad at you for not telling me sooner, but thankful for the love you had for me, that you cared so deeply about me that you put me before the life-changing disease you were trying to learn to live with. You told me that it wasn’t serious, and that the Dr.’s had said that it was very easy to cure, the easiest of all the types of cancer to be exact. I took comfort in that, and clung to that statement with every ounce of my strength for the next 5 years.

I remember when you started your first round of chemo, and your hair started falling out. You were so strong through all that. So incredibly strong! I was amazed watching you. I watched you draw closer to your family, and they were so glad. (And so were you!) We had been pretty wild for a couple years, and I think everyone was relieved when that phase ended. You and I started settling down before the rest of our friends, and we grew so close during that time. You and I both started growing closer to the Lord, and we talked about this together and encouraged each other about it. Every night, I cooked dinner, you brought us each a Polar Pop and your own condiments (ß and you always gave me a hard time about that because I was such a horribly picky eater) and there we sat, watching Rock of Love and Army Wives, laughing hysterically, and chatting into the night. Every single night, for months, this was our schedule. You’d go into the local hospital for the weekend for treatments, and I’d come visit you. I hated it when you had to go to Mayo for weeks.  We’d end up on the phone every night that you weren’t in your immunity bubble during your first stem cell transplant. We had no idea at the time that was only the beginning of too many more treatments to come.

When I moved to Hawaii, you booked your trip immediately to visit me.  I missed you so much, and life just felt like it returned to normal when you got there.

I remember your second trip the most. You had started dialysis a few months prior, and life was a lot harder for you than it had been before. You had scars, and a port and things that no one expected you to need during this “easy to cure” journey.  You HATED dialysis, all 3 times a week that you did it. It made you feel weak, tired, cold, nauseas, and angry. I remember thinking that neither of us had ever imagined things would have to get this bad, and that I couldn’t wait for you to just be cured, because we all knew that one day you would be.  That last year that I spent in Hawaii was troublesome. Our conversations became fewer because you were in the hospital so much. I prayed and prayed and prayed that this “easy cure” would just hurry up and come!! I knew it was all in God’s time, not mine, and that the cure was coming.

I remember the day I came to visit you when I arrived in Illinois a year ago. We had been chatting about things we were going to do, but we weren’t able to do any of them because your health had gone so rapidly downhill in just the couple weeks leading up to it. You had lost so much weight, and your face showed this raw emotion, like you felt guilty because you knew that this was going to be scary for me. You were right, but we never let it show, did we? We just hugged, and cried, and held on to that promise that you were going to get better eventually. We saw each other a couple times while we were there, and I wish it had been more. I have so much regret about that. We were pulled in 50 different directions and it was impossible to see everyone as much as we wanted, but I still regret not seeing you more.

I’ve never told anyone about this before, but I think that you should know.  This past January, I was at a church in Bothell, WA. The Pastor said “Is there something that you’ve been asking God for, and you’re frustrated because He hasn’t given it yet? It’s ok for you to be frustrated! Cry out to Him right now and ask Him where He is in this matter!” They gave us a piece of paper and told us to right it down and hold it up to heaven. And I did. Tears poured down my face and I immediately grabbed a pencil and a piece of paper and violently wrote down “WHERE ARE YOU IN CARA’S HEALING???????”

One week later, He took you to heaven. I was in shock, and I felt really dumb for that. I truly believed throughout your entire fight with cancer that you were going to beat it and come out of it victorious and healthy and ready to get on with your life. I never doubted that. I had fears at times, even strong enough that I talked to Doc about maybe setting aside an emergency fund in case I ever got a call and needed to get on a plane quickly to come home and be with you, but I still never thought that it would happen.

It’s been almost a year since you passed away, and still, something shocking happens on Army Wives or one of my kids does something funny and I instinctively pick up my phone to call you. I miss you so much, Cara. You were always the person I knew I could call that would answer the phone no matter how busy your life was. You cared so much for me and my family, and you were so encouraging. You were always the one to give me an honest opinion about anything. (And for that, you were never the one I asked for fashion advice when I was still shoving myself into last years’ jeans that hadn’t fit since 2007!)

I could write for hours and reminisce, but what I really want to say is that you were the very best friend a girl could ask for. I will never forget that. I love you. I will never forget you. I am blessed beyond measure to have called you one of my best friends. I'm thankful that you know Jesus, and I'm in awe that you're with Him right now. I'm thankful for a God who loves us so much that He promises that as believers, we'll be together again one day! I absolutely cannot wait for that!

Love you so much,
Tammy

Movin' on up...

Is that super annoying "Movin' on up" song in your head now? Sorry, peeps. It's in mine too, if that's any consulation to you!

ANYWAY, Doc and I heard from the Navy housing office that we've been offered a new home in the super-incredibly-awesome-best-military-housing-I've-EVER-seen housing here! The timing correlates perfectly with when our lease is up here, and the Navy has offered to move us FOR FREE! How amazing is that?!?! We were expecting to get to move in there within the next 6 months or so, but sooner is definitely better!

I know people with opinions from one end of the spectrum to the other when it comes to military housing, but I've gotta say, for us, this is a great thing for our family! The Washington cost of living is through the roof, so renting out in town usually costs way more than your alotted housing allowance, plus utilities, depending on how many kids you have, how much space you need and what you're able to suck-it-up on. The waiting list for the military housing was long when we got here, so we had to get something out in town. We drove around for days looking at houses, and neighborhoods, schools, etc. When we chose this house, we chose it because of the neighborhood. It's a suburb, very small-town, and there are minivans all over this subdivision, so we were expecting families everywhere. And there are families everywhere. The only problem is that none of them speak to each other! It's not that they hate each other or anything like that. They just don't have time, for the most part. Most are 2-parent working households and they're so pressed for time that everyone just puts their nose down and sticks to themself. It's inconvenient for them to have friends.

The military is really such a sub-culture. We're very fellowship oriented, especially coming from the Marine Corps. I certainly can't speak for all Navy spouses when I say this, because my husband's job is very different than 95% of the Navy. In the Marine Corps setting, we know our husbands are going to deploy. We know they're going to do very, very dangerous things on that deployment, and we know that (unless we're stationed really close to family) we're going to need each other to get through that. The minute a new family pops up, we're all over them. We NEED to get to know them. They NEED to get to know us. We need relationships and friendships that we can count on, because we know that we may HAVE to count on it at some point. This is not to say that everyone just grabs hands and sings Kumbaya. We get to know everyone and friendships form based on similar interests, etc., just like any other large group.

Doc is currently on shore duty, with no deployments (praise God!) on the horizon. This definitely changes the dynamic of our military frame of mind. It's not quite so intense when we're meeting new people. Though we're not in a combat deployment setting, that IS the lifestyle we're accustomed to. There are a lot of practical things you learn when you live in that setting, and the importance of fellowship (regardless of your circumstances) was one of them!  We're needing that fellowship here. We definitely DO have it with our bible study at our church, and occasional other gatherings, but not nearly as much as we'd like. We're hoping that moving to this housing will help that! We'll have more space to host things (my FAVE!) and more neighborhood people to invite! We're already planning to host a new bible study around the first of the year, and we're really excited about the content! Details to come on that!

Fellowship is a biblical thing. Doc and I's Ohana (small group) in Hawaii really brought out the importance of this! Proverbs 27:17 says "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another". It also tells us to "admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all." (1 Thessalonians 5:14.) Doc and I have found, through wonderful personal experiences with wonderful people all over the country, that fellowship makes a huge difference for us.

We're excited to fellowship! And have a giant house! And 2 parks within walking distance! And a yard! And.....you get the idea :) This is a huge blessing, and I wanted to share the news with you all! I hope all is well for all of you!