I love the way Dexter refers to his not-so-positive side as his "Dark Passenger". What he's referring to is the fact that he's secretly a serial killer of all the bad guys that justice didn't serve. Now, hopefully the people I know don't have THAT kind of a dark passenger, but I think we've all got someone with us along for the ride that we never invited. Maybe (hopefully) his name isn't Serial Killer, but his name could be Jealousy, or Anger, or Addiction, or Pride, or Shame, or so on....I think I've had a little of all of these with me at one point, some that relapse over and over again. It's a constant battle to evict these jerks, and some are bigger and meaner than others.
It's taken me years to come to terms with some of my passengers, but this year I'm starting a war against the biggest one I've got. It's a fight against a disgusting passenger that's been with me as long as I can remember. He's big, and ugly, and downright repulsive. It's embarassing to carry him with me, and shameful to admit that he's here. Letting him stay and go unnoticed would be so much easier to do, but if I choose that route, it could cost me my life. His name is Food Addiction.
Food Addiction. How repulsive is that?!? Food. Not cocaine, which has a chemical substinence that your body eventually craves and therefore justifies it's own addictiveness. (Not that being addicted to cocaine is a good thing, it's just a common addiction that I grabbed for an example) But food??? This is such an embarassing thing to be addicted to. When I picture a food addict, I see a 500 lb woman sneaking buckets of KFC and chugging 2-Liters of Pepsi to wash it down. I see a huge, lazy sloth that never makes any effort toward anything other than eating. Or maybe a morbidly obese person with an oxygen tank who has to be crane lifted from their couch. But the truth is, a food addict can also be a 240 lb woman, with two little girls watching her every move, who loves make-up and has an insane amount of energy, who also has an emotional attatchment to eating and can't control it on her own.
I remember the day I realized that I was a food addict. I had a dear friend and her husband here visiting, and we were trying to decide where we wanted to go for lunch. She explained to me that she was doing an FAA (Food Addicts Anonymous, very similar but slightly different than Overeaters Anonymous) diet, and explained what it entailed. I was intrigued, and sat down with her and asked about the kinds of things that led her to FAA. She explained that at one point, she was at a church, staring at a plate of muffins and cookies, and she realized that she literally couldn't stop eating them. For any of you who have never experienced this, I'm sure this sounds really out-there. And I know exactly what you're thinking. "Oh, that's ridiculous. Anyone would want to keep eating homeade goodies like that! She just didn't have the willpower to stop! That's nothing special! Everyone feels like that!" And that's
The first step in this process is admitting that there is a problem. I had a tearful conversation with my husband a couple months back where I told him that I believe I may be addicted to food. I'm not sure that he really took me seriously at the time, and that's ok. He prayed with me, and comforted me, and that's what I was really needing then anyway. He agreed to be my accountability partner, and he calls me everyday to see what all I've eaten that day. There are a couple chapters of FAA that meet in our area here that I'm currently checking into. I'm hoping to get a sponsor through them.
And now I've admitted it to all of you. All of you whom I love dearly, and really really wish that I never had to say this to. But I needed to. I need to be honest with you all about what my life looks like right now, even the dark parts. So currently I'm working on self-control. I'm counting calories, but my main focus is to cut my portion sizes back to something reasonable. This is a process. Our stomachs don't stretch out overnight, and they don't return to normal overnight either. So for the next few weeks, I'm going to be hungry. Consider this a bit of a warning...I'm not sure if you've ever met Hungry-Tammy, but she can be a real rip sometimes! I'm trusting God to get me through this. I'm trusting Him for strength and steadfast self-control. I truly cannot do this without Him. He's given me victory over addiction to cigarettes and alcohol, and I know He can give me victory over this,too. I'm clinging to that!
I said this before and I want to say it again; I know that for some of you this is really out-there. And that's ok. Please feel free to ask me questions about this, about how I'm doing with my eating or how the process is going, anything at all. I want to be open with you about it, and I want you to see what God is doing in my life. I also want to encourage any of you who may be going through similar things, and tell you that you're not alone. If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate.
Thank you peeps for listening. It means much more than you know. I love you all, have a great week!
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